RULE #1: NO SUBSTITUTIONS ALLOWED, EVER. THIS IS A MENU, NOT A LIST OF INGREDIENTS. TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT.

RULE #2: SUNDAY FUNDAY WILL BE OBSERVED EVERY DAY. CUES AIRHORN.

RULE #3: TO ALL THOSE ALLERGIC TO NUTS, LACTOSE, GLUTEN, AND LIFE IN GENERAL, PLEASE GO SOMEWHERE ELSE. IF YOU INSIST ON DINING, WE HAVE EPI-PENS AND BEREAVEMENT CARDS AVAILABLE IN OUR GIFT SHOP. 'SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS. OUR DEEPEST CONDOLENCES.'

RULE #4: IF YOU 'NO SHOW, NO CALL' ON A RESERVATION, YOU SHALL BE BANNED FOR LIFE. THERE ARE ABSOLUTELY NO EXCUSES, IN THIS DAY AND AGE OF TECHNOLOGY, FOR YOU NOT TO RESPECTFULLY INFORM THE RESTAURANT OF A CHANGE IN PLANS.

RULE #5: DRESS CODE: WHITE TEES, BLUE JEANS, AND CASHMERE ARE PREFERRED ATTIRE FOR ALL PATRONS. LADIES, NO TRUCKER HATS. FELLAS, NO SOUL PATCHES, MAN-BUNS, JEAN SHORTS, OR PROFESSIONAL CYCLING ATTIRE (YOU CAN KEEP THE HELMET ON THOUGH).

RULE #6: BEVERAGES FROM OUTSIDE THE RESTAURANT ARE NOT PERMITTED INSIDE. SO TO ALL THE MEMBERS OF THE RED SOLO CUP BRIGADE WHO REFUSE TO RELINQUISH THEIR DRINKS, TURN AROUND AND GO HOME.

RULE #7: YOU MUST BE ABLE TO PASS 2ND GRADE ARITHMETIC IN ORDER TO DINE AT OUR ESTABLISHMENT. IF YOUR RESERVATION IS FOR 4 PEOPLE, PLEASE DO NOT SHOW UP WITH 9 PEOPLE AND COMPLAIN THAT THERE'S NO ROOM AT THE TABLE. NINE > FOUR. #DUH

RULE #8: WINDOW OR PATIO REQUESTS ARE EXACTLY THAT, REQUESTS. OTHERWISE, THEY WOULD BE KNOWN AS WINDOW OR PATIO GUARANTEES, WHICH THEY ARE NOT. JUST BECAUSE YOU SAILED OVER ON YOUR 470 FT. YACHT. AND MADE THE RESERVATION ABOUT 45 MINUTES AGO, ON A SATURDAY NIGHT, PRIMETIME, IN AUGUST.  'BUT I CAN'T SEE THE SUNSET.' NEITHER CAN I, BUT I SURE CAN HEAR THE KITCHEN!!!

RULE #9: PLEASE REFRAIN FROM NAME DROPPING THE OWNERS AND IF YOU MUST, PLEASE AT LEAST GET THE NAME RIGHT. 'YO, I KNOW JASON!' YOU MEAN JOSHUA? YEAH, JESSE!' WRONG. #KNOWTHENAMESUCKA

RULE #10: CHILDREN UNDER THE AGE OF 18 WILL NOT BE ALLOWED UNLESS ACCOMPANIED BY A LEGAL GUARDIAN. YOUR LITTLE ASS GOBLINS ARE NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY, CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF. UNSUPERVISED CHILDREN WILL BE GIVEN A PINT OF HENNESSY, UNLIMITED EDIBLES, 2 KILOS OF TNT, AN AXE, AND TAUGHT HOW TO SWEAR. PLEASE NOTE: THE GIFT SHOP IS FULLY STOCKED WITH DUCT TAPE, STRAIGHT JACKETS, LEASHES, MUZZLES, GENERAL ANESTHESIA, BARBED WIRE, HANDCUFFS, AND BLINDFOLDS FOR UNRULY SPAWN.

RULE #11: NANNIES ARE NOT ALLOWED. PERIOD. END OF STORY. IF YOU DON'T HAVE AN HOUR OR SO TO PAY ATTENTION TO AND NURTURE YOUR OWN FLESH AND BLOOD, YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO DINE HERE. 

RULE #12: PLEASE DO NOT BRING YOUR CHILD'S STROLLER INSIDE IF IT HAS FOUR WHEEL DRIVE, SITS ON 26" RIMS, OR IS POWERED BY DIESEL GASOLINE. VALET PARKING IS AVAILABLE AT NO EXTRA CHARGE. 

RULE #13: PLEASE DO NOT SEAT YOURSELF. A MEMBER OF OUR STAFF WILL BE WITH YOU SHORTLY. BUT IF YOU MUST, PLEASE DO NOT SIT AT THE ONE, AND ONLY ONE, DIRTY TABLE. EYEGLASSES ARE AVAILABLE FOR THE VISUALLY IMPAIRED.

RULE #14: WE STILL PRACTICE THE ANCIENT ART OF 'TURNING AND BURNING.' WE ARE NOT A MOBILE HOTSPOT, A SATELLITE OFFICE THAT PROVIDES YOU WITH A FREE BASE CAMP TO WORK REMOTELY, ALONE, FOR INFINITE AMOUNTS OF TIME, WHILE SIPPING ON THE SAME $1 ICED COFFEE REFILL YOU BOUGHT 7 HOURS AGO. BEAT IT, BUCKAROO.

RULE #15: ANY PERSON THAT BEGINS A CONVERSATION WITH ‘I'M GOING TO BE DIFFICULT' WILL BE PROMPTLY 86'ED FROM THE RESTAURANT. #DEUCES

RULE #16: WITH REGARDS TO THE MUSIC, TURNING DOWN IS NOT AN OPTION. #AVIBECALLEDNOREQUESTS

RULE #17: PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR THE WI-FI PASSWORD. NO ONE NEEDS THE INTERNET THAT BAD. CONSIDER BEING ALONE WITH YOUR THOUGHTS FOR ONCE. IMAGINE THAT.

RULE #18: CELL PHONE USE WITHIN THE RESTAURANT IS STRONGLY DISCOURAGED. THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO NEED TO BE TEXTING, TWEETING, OR STRAIGHT TIK-TOKING AROUND. 'IF YOU'RE SCROLLING ON YOUR PHONE, I FEEL BAD FOR YOU SON, ’CAUSE I GOT 99 ORDERS, AND YOURS AIN'T ONE.'

RULE #19: CHILDREN'S FOOD OFFERINGS START AT $295.00. AND NO, THAT'S NOT A TYPO. SERVICE NOT INCLUDED. 

RULE #20: PLEASE CONSIDER ORDERING FOOD THAT IS ON THE MENU. IT ONLY MAKES LOGICAL SENSE THAT WE SERVE FOOD WE DO HAVE, AS OPPOSED TO THE FOOD WE DO NOT. 

RULE #21: PLEASE USE PROPER GRAMMAR. 'SHRIMPS’ AND 'EXPRESSO’ ARE NOT ON THE MENU, NOR WILL THEY EVER BE.

RULE #22: DO NOT ASK THE SERVER WHAT 'THEIR' FAVORITE DISH IS. DIFFERENT STROKES FOR DIFFERENT FOLKS. YOU'RE AN ADULT. YOU CAN READ. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU LIKE. FIGURE IT OUT, PAL.

RULE #23: THERE SHALL BE NO SPLITTING OF ENTREES.IF YOU CAN AFFORD TO GO OUT TO EAT, YOU CAN AFFORD TO ORDER ANOTHER ENTREE.

RULE #24: REQUESTS FOR FREE BREAD OR RANCH DRESSING WILL BE POLITELY DECLINED. #GTFOH

RULE #25: YOUR CERTIFIED ORGANIC, LOCALLY ROASTED, SUSTAINABLY HARVESTED, HAND GATHERED, CAGE FREE, CARBON NEUTRAL, FARM-TO-TABLE, NON-FAT, HALF-CAF, TRIPLE SHOT, CHOCOLATE THUNDER MOCHA DELUXE LÁTTECCINO ‘WITH ROOM’ WILL NOT BE STEAMED TO 162 DEGREES, OR TO ANY DEGREE FOR THAT MATTER.

RULE #26. WE WILL NEVER SERVE 'S.O.S.' (SAUCE ON THE SIDE). TWENTY FOUR HOURS LATER, IT ALL ENDS UP IN THE SAME PLACE, RIGHT? WHY BE FUSSY?

RULE #27: JUST SINCE YOU'VE WATCHED SIDEWAYS 37 TIMES, ARE WELL VERSED IN REGIONAL FRENCH TERROIR, AND ONCE SAW A YOUTUBE VIDEO ON VINIFICATION, IT DOESN'T GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO WORSHIP YOUR $8 BOTTLE OF MARK WEST LIKE IT'S THE BLOOD OF CHRIST. ENOUGH OF THE SHENANIGANS, YOU PRETENTIOUS OENOPHILE. JUST ORDER SOME WINE ALREADY OR PREPARE TO HAVE YOUR ASS D.E.C.A.N.T.E.D.

RULE #28: CEE LO IS A LEGAL FORM OF GAMBLING. 1, 2,3, THAT'S AN AUTOMATIC LOSS. THAT'S NOT HOW I ROLL ‘CAUSE I'M HOT LIKE SAUCE. 4, 5, 6, BUSTER!!!

RULE #29: THOU SHALT NOT ASK TO ‘SPEAK TO A MANAGER.’ WHATEVER ROCKWELL AKA ‘CHIEF EXECUTIVE OVERLORD OF GUEST EXPERIENCES & ALL THINGS SERVICE’ SAYS, GOES.  SUCK IT.  

RULE #30: STOLI SALADS ARE NOT ON THE DRINK MENU, AND GETTING 'DOT COMMED' IS HIGHLY FROWNED UPON. YOU WILL BE PROMPTLY REMOVED BY 'LOS FEDERALES' AND PC'D FOR YOUR OWN GOOD. WE SHALL TAKE NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR UNWANTED PREGNANCIES OR FOR BEING ARRESTED FOR TRESPASSING ON A RANDOM NEIGHBOR'S LAWN. #OOOPSIES.

RULE #31: IF YOU DECIDE TO REGRESS 200 MILLION YEARS OF EVOLUTION AND FLING POO ON NOT ONE, NOT TWO, BUT THREE BATHROOM WALLS, KICK ROCKS. WHEN YOU LEAVE, PLEASE MAKE SURE THE SEAT IS DOWN AND NOT COVERED IN ASSORTED BODILY FLUIDS. AND IF YOU FINISH A ROLL OF TOILET PAPER, REPLACE IT. IT'S COMMON COURTESY, AND IT LITERALLY TAKES 8 SECONDS. WHICH IS NOTHING COMPARED TO THE 8 MINUTES IT JUST TOOK YOU TO PULL YOUR PANTS UP SINCE YOU'RE SO F*CKING DRUNK.

RULE #32: FREE HAPPY HOUR ALPACA RIDES DAILY, 3PM TO 6PM.

RULE #33: ANYONE WHO PLAYS NEIL DIAMOND'S 'SWEET CAROLINE', OR ANYTHING JIMMY BUFFETT ON THE JUKEBOX, SHALL BE ASKED TO LEAVE. 

RULE #34: ANYONE WITH THE LAST NAME OF BRIGGS,EATS FOR FREE ON FRIDAYS.

RULE #35: ANYONE WITH THE LAST NAME OF BRIGGS, RECEIVES FREE CHILD CARE, EVERY DAY.

RULE #36: PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE, SO PLEASE DON’T ASK WHERE YOUR FOOD IS. NO NEED TO BE HANGRY. I'D SAY IT'S LIKELY STILL BEING THOUGHTFULLY PREPARED BY OUR TEAM OF CULINARY PROFESSIONALS. 

RULE #37: DO NOT CHEW WITH YOUR MOUTH OPEN, PLEASE. PRETTY PLEASE, PRETTY PLEASE WITH SUGAR ON TOP.

RULE #38: WHEN YOU ARE FINISHED EATING, PLEASE PLACE YOUR FORK AND KNIFE TOGETHER AT APPROXIMATELY 4 TO 5 PM. IF YOU HAVE QUESTIONS OR CONCERNS, PLEASE REFER TO THE 18TH EDITION OF EMILY POST'S 'MANNERS FOR A NEW WORLD'.

RULE #39: PLEASE DO NOT HAND YOUR WAITER AN EMPTY PLATE AND SAY 'I DIDN'T LIKE IT.' YOUR OLD, CLICHÉD JOKES AREN’T FUNNY. BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD, BUDDY.

RULE #40: COFFEE WILL BE SERVED BLACK. HEAVY CREAM IS AVAILABLE UPON REQUEST.

RULE #41: DESSERTS ARE MADE, IN-HOUSE, DAILY, AS OPPOSED TO MONTHS PRIOR. UNDER ABSOLUTELY NO CIRCUMSTANCES WILL WE SERVE WILD BLUEBERRY CRUMB PIE AKA DUST CAKE DELUXE AKA WHO'S GOT MY CORN STARCH? #FLAVORFREESINCE83

RULE #42: IN ORDER TO ACCOMMODATE THE INCREASED DEMAND OF 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY' SONG REQUESTS, WE WILL NOW REQUIRE YOU TO RELINQUISH CUSTODY OF ALL CHILDREN TO LOCAL ROADIES, AND SLIP ME A RACK OF HUNDOS. NOTHING BUT FRANKLIN FACES.

RULE #43: IF YOU ARRIVE AFTER THE LAST SEATING, WE RESERVE THE RIGHT TO REFUSE SERVICE TO ANYONE. ESPECIALLY THOSE WHO STAKE CLAIM TO BEING ‘A LOCAL CELEBRITY CHEF'. LISTEN BRUH. YOU'RE JUST A WASHED-UP HACK OF A LINE COOK, MIRED IN A VELVET RUT OF MEDIOCRITY. #REALTALK

RULE #44: IF YOU ARE HERE LATE, AND WE HAVE CLEARED THE TABLE OF ALL SILVERWARE, DISH-WARE, AND GLASS-WARE, ASKED 13 TIMES IF THERE'S ANYTHING ELSE YOU'D LIKE, OFFERED TO GET YOUR COATS, DIMMED THE LIGHTS, HAVE SWEPT THE ENTIRE RESTAURANT 5 TIMES, CALLED YOU AN UBER, AND ARE PATIENTLY WAITING FOR YOU TO LEAVE? TAKE A HINT.

RULE #45: THERE WILL BE ABSOLUTELY NO SPLITTING OF CHECKS, ESPECIALLY 19 WAYS, AT A REHEARSAL DINNER. 'DEAR BRIDEZILLA, AS WE DROP CHECKS IN FRONT OF ALL OF YOUR UNASSUMING GUESTS, WE'LL MAKE SURE NOT TO SOIL YOUR $700 JIMMY CHOO'S. OH, THOSE ARE YOUR SUEDE LOUBOUTIN'S?’ #BITCHPLEASE

RULE #46: A MANDATORY 150% GRATUITY WILL BE ADDED TO ALL CHECKS. AND IF FOR ONE MOMENT YOU CONSIDER LEAVING A RELIGIOUS PAMPHLET IN LIEU OF A TIP, MAY ROCKWELL STRIKE DOWN UPON THEE WITH GREAT VENGEANCE AND FURIOUS ANGER, THOSE WHO WOULD ATTEMPT TO SHORT AND SWINDLE MY SERVERS.

RULE #47: WE WILL RANDOMLY SELECT ONE AMERICAN EXPRESS CENTURION CARD PER WEEK THAT WE WILL BE 'UNABLE TO PROCESS'. THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE WHEN YOUR BLACK CARD IS D.E.C.L.I.N.E.D.?I? #PRICELESS

RULE #48: ANYONE WHO THINKS IT IS THEIR MORAL OBLIGATION AS 'A FOODIE' TO WRITE A YELP REVIEW, GOOD OR BAD, BECAUSE YOU SEMINGLY POSSESS A REFINED PALATE FOR ALL THINGS DELICIOUS, GET A LIFE. AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT.

RULE #49: ASS, CASH, OR GRASS ARE ACCEPTABLE FORMS OF LEGAL TENDER, FOR ALL DEBTS, PUBLIC AND PRIVATE.

RULE #50: BE NICE, OR LEAVE. THANK YOU, COME AGAIN.